Happy Hanuka Space Monkies. Yes its still Hanuka. We still have six days to go. I, BlueHighwind have been pondering on just how to save Hanuka from being just an Christmas's penny-pinching little brother. And I have the solution: it needs a mascot on the same vein as Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. My idea is this: Norman the Hanuka Emperor Penguin. He comes from the South Pole on his flying Chevy Tahoe, bringing gifts of underwear and cheap crap to all Jewish boys and girls as long as its affordable. Norman is not made of money, plus a large amount of his income is currently tied up in his diversified stock portfolio.
Wakka will annouce proudly that Besaid has been seeded, thus we only have to win twice in order to get the big prize. Then begins the Blitzball tutorials. However I hate Blitzball with a passion, and thus advise that you skip to "End Tutorial" and get on with the game.
Yuna will walk and tell you that Auron has been spotted in Luca. This is excellent news, because Auron is by far the best character in this whole game. Wakka complains about the game starting soon. Tell him to "shove it up your ass" and go look for Auron.
Outside two Al Bhed dudes will say something. You might actually be able to see some of the letters since we've been grabbing all those Primers. However you're still far from being totally fluent in Al Bhed. A few awkward moments later, you're back in control. Run across the top of the large room to find a hallway on the left side. Next to the guy in green is the Al Bhed Primer Vol. VI. At the end of this hallway is a Chest with two Hi-Potions. Go down the stairs and leave out the left. Run Northwest a bit until you see a Chest with 600 Gil. At the end of this dock is a Tidal Spear. Talk to O'aka who will finally have a shop open.
Head South to that big room, and leave out the right Saving along the way. Go all the way up to the end of the Northeast branch and sneak through some boxes to find two hidden Chests. You'll find a Magic Sphere and an HP Sphere inside. Return to the main room and head down the only path we haven't investigated yet: South.
We'll meet up with Tidus who will then teach Yuna how to whistle. Yeah... Cloud and Tifa are blowing up Reactors and these two playing stupid games. (Sigh) Once things return to normal, head right. More conversation. You know, say what you want about FFXII's storyline but at least it didn't stop the game every fucking two steps! Run Northeast and go up the stairs.As You'll find a Chest holding 1,000 Gil. Backtrack to the foutain and go up the Northward path. No sign of Auron, however Kimahri does get into a fight with two bigger blue Wookies. How sad, not only is he a member of a race of freaks, but Kimahri is also the runt of the litter.
While Kimahri gets into a fist-fight with his blue Wookie kin, Yuna is kidnapped off screen. Princess Kidnapping Count: 2. Lulu meets up with Tidus and Kimahri to tell you that Yuna has been taken by the Al Bhed in a desperate attempt to fix the Blitzball match. I don't care, just let me kill something. Go back to the main room next to the lockers and Save. Head outside to the left, and then take the Northeast branch.
Two droids will attack. Like in all games, robots are weak to "Thunder" Magic so be sure to keep that in mind. One "Thunder" spell is enough to kill one of these outright. Have Tidus and Kimahri focus on the other one. Run forward to the next screen and you'll get into the exact same fight. Head East into the same fight, again. Wait this fight is actually has three rounds of the same set of Machina drones attacking.
Well if fighting the same two droids five times has worn you down at all, the game makes using Potions unnecessary because it give you a free Save Point. Save and head right to enter into a Boss Fight.
This fight just might have a been a nice challenging boss for a change, however the game threw in a little trick that made this boss painfully easy. First off have Tidus use the Trigger Command "Use Crane" to find that it needs power. That means you need to use a few "Thunder" spells to get it working. Have Tidus "Haste" Lulu on his next turn, and she should keep on blasting the Crane until its fully running. Kimahri has little purpose in this battle. Since Yuna isn't here, he can function as a Healer; throwing Potions and Hi-Potions where needed. Once the Crane's motor is running again, have Tidus "Use Crane" to decimate Obltzerator's HP. From there a single "Thunder" or two physical attacks will end this fight.
When the fight ends, Oblitzerator will explode out of existance (and doesn't even leave as much as a blast burn) and Yuna will be saved. Meanwhile, Wakka will win the match just in the lick of time. If you listen closely you can almost hear the low hum of me not giving a shit.
Run back to the main hall and Save. Go up the locker room to find that Wakka is all curled up in his own shame and defeat, which means that Tidus is playing back-up. Save up and talk to Wakka. Wakka will the old pre-game-inspiration-speech-bullshit-dick-suck cliche to his team. We get a brief shot of Auron (HORRAY!!!!) and the game begins.
I hate Blitzball. No, I don't just hate Blitzball, I LOATHE Blitzball. The very word disgusts me. First off this is a Final Fantasy. If I wanted to play a Sports Game, I'd play a Sports Game. However I don't care for Sports Games (what's the point of a video game if you can't kill things?), that's why I play these game. Don't trick me by advertising your game as an RPG and then throwing in a crappy Sports mini-game. Its false advertising.
Plus this game makes no sense at all. I'm not sure how its supposed to work, it's kinda like a game of Soccer only that every step and pass seems to suck away your character's HP. The game is horribly slanted with your players getting 100 HP and the Goers getting about 40 more. In fact this game might not even be too bad if the Goers weren't a bunch of cheating bastards. I don't know how but they manage to intercept every pass, break through every defense, block every shot at their goal, and kick your player's asses all across the giant fish tank. Even when you do manage to get a free pass, your players fumble all the time thus ruining your shot at the goal. Sometimes the Goers will even manage to inflict status effects like Poison on your players. As if the odds weren't already stacked up high enough against you.
Even when you do get a free shot, the only attack that seems to ever work is the Jecht Shot. So if you didn't beat that mini-game back on the S.S. Winno and win this move then you're fucked. I hate this game.
About three quarters through the match, or about the time that the Goers have pretty much ended this match with an unbeatable lead of three to zero, Wakka will enter the match. About fucking time, Wakka is the only Blitzballer worth shit in this game. As for Tidus, "Star of the Zanarkand Abes" my ass. He couldn't Blitz his way out of a damp paper bag.
So all in all you're pretty much guaranteed to lose this match. Your opponent is just better than you in every single way. Even with Wakka on your side you can only really manage a single goal - and that's if you're lucky. If you are unlucky than Wakka will get poisoned and everything will just fall apart after that. What a cruel game.
Don't ask me how I did it (I'm not entirely sure myself). But somehow or other I managed to win this game after about a hundred tries. Hey, I wasn't going to let anything kick my ass after I beat Emerald WEAPON. I spent a whole week doing nothing but play this same fucking match over and over again until I barely pulled a win out of my ass with 3 to 2, Aurochs. If Hell does exist, I know that somewhere down in those firey depths Blitzball is waiting for my inevitable death. Its my sad little horror story. I never played Blitzball again.
Fuck this game.
After the Match Festivities Edit
Also it doesn't even matter if you win or lose. You don't get any secret weapons or items for doing the near impossible and beating the Goers. I feel jipped in the worst way. Instead of a prize you get visited by a bunch of monsters. These creature aren't any kind of threat. Just one physical strike and they go down. However you do have to fight through about twenty of them. However right after the battles, the Man Comes Around:
Finally Auron enters the stage. And a more badass entry, I can not imagine. As soon as Auron enters your party he starts taking names and kicking ass. Our first Fiend is a flying monster. "Dark Attack" it and then the only attack you have to worry about is "Sonic Boom". After the fight, we'll be surrounded by three strong Fiends. I'd say that things aren't looking too good, but then again Auron is in our party. Nothing can defeat Auron, he'll just chop them in half and laugh at what remains. Damn, he's badass.
However instead of watching Auron do his thing, Seymour steps in and Summons Anima. Anima is a freakishly strong Aeon, that quickly destroys all the Fiends in the Stadium. Quite impressive, I can't wait until she's fighting for us. Yes that monsterous creature is a "she". After that we get an option to Save the game. Use it.
After that begins a long series of cutscenes filled with nothing but conversation and character development. Its nice to see that the developers like their characters but really, Tidus and Wakka are just not that interesting to warrant all this attention. My least favorite of these is watching Tidus whine like a bitch to Auron about how "its all your fault!" Apparently Auron has the patience of a saint because if I were in same situation I'd chop Tidus's blond head right off. Auron seems to have gotten the same idea and so joins me in nice hearty laugh at the thought.
Next Auron drops the first many big twists to come in this game: Jecht is Sin. Yes he's gone the way of God-Emperor Leto Atreides II and become a giant monster. Tidus reacts to this news the way he seems to react to everything, by whining his little aryan face off. God what a bitch.
Once Tidus is done crying for his Mommy follow Auron back to the Main Square and Save. Head South and then go North at the "T" junction to find the Sphere Theatre. Ignore everything here and just pick up the Al Bhed Primer Vol. VII. From here head back to the junction and head East. Next go Northeast to reach the worst scene in the whole game.
Ah yes the laughing scene. We all cringe at the very memory. First off Auron joins the team as a Guardian but then for some reason (I have a funny fealing its a Contrivance of the Plot) drags Tidus along for the ride. Yuna then decides to help Tidus out of his pain by giving a big fake laugh. Tidus follows suit and yells out with his "HA-HA HA HA HA!!" The rest of the party only watches in perplexed disgust with the same thought in each of their heads: "This fuck-nut is supposed to save the world?"
It was my misfortune to have my sister in the room with me when this scene came on. She called me a "fucking loser" for playing this game. I had no counter, I could only sit in my own shame as my baby sister owned me royally. There are few moments in my life that I can name that were more embarrassing than this one. (Sigh) Why am I reliving these bad memories? For you Space Monkies. For you.