Ah, you gotta love it when a game goes from a game to an interactive movie...as long as the movie isn't long. Inside Aeris' house, she introduces Cloud as her bodyguard. When Aeris asks if Tifa is your girlfriend, well, obviously say no to earn points to dating Aeris, say yes and lose a lot of points. Aeris will offer to escort you to Sector 7, but her mom insists you stay the night first. After Aeris goes upstairs talk to her mother; she asks you to leave in the middle of the night without telling Aeris. So, she wants us to give Aeris a one-night stand? That bit...oh, she's afraid we'll hurt Aeris' feelings. Well, I'm still angry at her. Head upstairs now.
Upstairs is a short scene with Aeris before you rest. During the night we another confusing internal monologue that doesn't make any sense. Then we get a weird flashback to a woman that, although you don't know it yet, we later find is Cloud's mother. She pushes him to settle down and find a girlfriend, and Cloud, I agree, you'd be amazed at the rumors flying around the internet about you, gotta prove your manhood somehow. He wakes up, and now we have to sneak downstairs - walk, don't run, or Aeris will catch you and if she catches you you'll lose points to date her. Leave the house, save and go left back into the town. Take the west (left) exit and go west. Hm, somehow Aeris is already there waiting, did she Teleport or something? After a short scene, follow her into the next area. If you haven't moved her into the front row yet, do it now.
This dump is a maze. Go up the wooden ramp ahead of you, across the steal beam, down the red beam into the hole and through the wire mesh tunnel. Go up and up the wooden beam, and up and down the ramp to the exit. In this area you may meet Hell House, which has 450 HP, far more than any enemy thus far. Use your magic to beat it. It has a couple strong attacks, including Suicide Drop which hits both Cloud and Aeris, but nothing really horrible to watch out for. In the next area, a playground, Aeris makes a scene about getting home - you get points for asking her to come along, but lose none if you offer to take her home.
After this, follow Aeris into the playground and talk to her to climb on the top of the slide with her. There's another small scene regarding Cloud's involvement with SOLDIER, when suddenly....OMG, what the hell have they done to Chocobos? Seriously, the Chocobos in this game are ugly. Seems that Tifa has been kidnapped and it's time to swing to the rescue. Follow the cart to the next area and go up.
Cloud Stifalo, Male Gigalo Edit
Welcome to Wall Market, the seediest location in the series since Zozo. Go right to find the local brothel and talk to the fat guy in red. Yup, Tifa's here, but she's being "interviewed" by the owner of the club Don Corneo. If that's not innuendo, I don't know what is. Head back to the market and go all the way up past several screens to find the Don's mansion. Talk to the guard, but you can't get in, the Don doesn't like men. Aeris offers to go in alone, but Cloud objects. Aeris starts laughing, and then she says the line that sealed her place as my favorite character in the game, I'm serious, the second she said this line I knew Aeris rocked.
"Cloud, why don't you dress up like a girl?"
Oh yes, kiddies, Cloud is gonna crossdress. Hm, this kinda puts a new spin on Aeris, she's been flirting since they met and now she wants him to dress like a woman. Is she bi, or just screwing with Cloud's head? I personally don't care, I find both of those traits endearing. Cloud makes a big show of being shocked, but we all know he's looking forward to it. And so, now begins our quest to make Cloud pretty. Technically there's no way to fail the following subquests, but they affect who the Don tries to sleep with, and personally if Cloud is chosen or not the resulting scene is mentally scarring and hilarious, so you can do these as you like.
To start, we need a dress. Head back to the main market and enter the left door at the north to find the dress shop. Talk to the cashier, seems her daddy the dressmaker is a drunk. Naturally, you agree to help out. Head north and go up and enter the left door to find the bar. Talk to the guy right of the door. Aeris talks him into making the dress by telling him Cloud has always wanted to dress like a woman. Aeris gets better by the second! You can take whatever type of dress you like, if you want to have Cloud sleep with the Don (sicko), get a soft dress that shimmers. And just like that, Cloud, you've got yourself a dress!
But Cloud is not Sephiroth, and thus we have to work harder than just a dress to make him look like a woman. Imagine that for a moment, Sesshiroth in a dress. Ain't he pretty? Anyway, head back to the dress shop and try on your new threads. Next item, a wig. Head to the gym to the lower-right of the bar and talk to the guy there. Now you have to do squats, it's fairly simple. Win to get the best wig, lose or tie to get a not-so-good one. It's not hard to win, once you get the timing down you can easily find a rhythm that will get you the wig.
For this you need 210 gil, so sell some stuff if you're poor. Then head to the upper-right shop in the market, talk to the guy lying down and agree to find out what the Inn is selling. The Inn is right near the south entrance, stay the night and buy the most expensive item in the machine. Take it back the guy and trade it for a Diamond Tiara. Now enter the restaurant in the center of the market, eat anything and say "It was alright". Go to the item shop and trade the coupon they give you for a Digestive. Head to the bar, and in the back, give the Digestive to the girl to get yourself Sexy Cologne. Opposite the bar, by the way, is a weapons shop, but there's nothing you need there, not really, although you can buy stronger weapons if you have the cash.
Finally, go to the lower-right, and talk to the guy for a Member's Card. Enter the Honey Bee Inn now. One door has three girls putting on makeup, talk to them a few times to get some for yourself. Two other doors lead to small scenes, where Cloud is awarded some sort of underwear as a reward for...something you really don't want to know about. Trust me.
Alrighty, head back to the dress shop, and change! Cloud makes a disturbingly convincing girl. And then it's Aeris' turn in the change room. Hey, she peeked on you earlier but you can't peek on her? Unfair! She comes out in a snazzy red dress looking mighty fine; Cloud, possessing the sexual awareness of a turnip, isn't impressed. Head to the Don's mansion and get ready for the conclusion to the most disturbing subquest in Final Fantasy history.
The Don's MansionEdit
Inside the mansion, the clerk will leave and tell you not to wander around, so of course you do. Head upstairs and down the stairs to the left to find Tifa. She and Aeris chat and both assure the other that their friendship with Cloud is platonic. Ouch, shot down by both the game's women in less than ten seconds. And yes, I said both, that thieving whore Yuffie doesn't count you sick pedophile. Tifa is shocked that Cloud is the woman with Aeris, and he claims it's because it was the only way to rescue her. Yeah, we'll back you up on that. Not.
Anyway, Tifa tells about how a weird guy hanging around the bar mentioned the Don, and that's how she wound up here. He's looking for a wife, and that's gonna be one of you. Cloud of course doesn't want either Tifa or Aeris involved, and who can blame him, have you seen Don Corneo? You get told to come upstairs, grab the Ether by the fireplace and head up. Tifa and Aeris join you officially now, Tifa's still got all her equipment, but give her some Fire Materia before we move on. Go upstairs and enter the large door to meet the fat man himself. Now, depending on how pretty you are (ie, how well you did the previous item quests), he'll choose either Aeris, Tifa or Cloud, and give the other two to his cronies.
If Cloud wasn't chosen, you have to fight the Don's men after a very disturbing scene. After that, Aeris or Tifa, whichever the Don didn't choose, will rush in. For Aeris, ask if she's alright to earn points, or mention Tifa to lose points. For Tifa, it's reversed, don't ask me why. If you're in with the Don, say "Ummmm....." and then "Yes, his name's Barret" to earn points towards dating, you guessed it, Barret. Anyway, Tifa and Aeris rush to save Cloud before the scene gets worse, and then it's an interrogation session where Cloud tells the Don to talk or his Little Don gets the chop-suey treatment. I'd cut them off anyway, for making us go through this hell of a nasty subquest. It turns out Shinra knows where the AVALANCHE HQ is and is gonna blow up the pillar supporting the plate overhead and crush Sector 7 to get them out of the way. After that, the Don dumps you in the sewers.
|Can't Steal||Can't Morph||Phoenix Down|
There's a scene here with the Shinra people. Reeve is trying to talk President Shinra out of the plan, but of course the simple fact that they're Shinra ensures they're doing it. This asshole Heidegger is just that, an ass with a big ego and a big gut. After the scene talk to the girl you like more. Aeris remarks the worst is over, which is of course the cue for the boss to enter.
Aps likes using Sewer Tsunami to hit your entire party for high damage, but he also hits himself for damage. The wave will come either from behind Aps, or behind the party - behind you, it hits you harder than it does him, if it comes from behind him, it's the other way around. Use your Fire Materia and let him attack, Aeris' Limit Break is Healing Wind and will restore your HP by 1/2 its maximum. His Sewer Tsunami charges your Limit Breaks quickly, and combined with Aeris' Healing Wind and your Fire spells, he'll go down faster than the Don's last girlfriend...ok bad joke. When he dies he may use a final Sewer Tsunami, make sure you can survive it. By the way, get used to this party of Tifa, Aeris and Cloud, thanks to the brute power of Tifa's Limit Breaks and the healing abilities of Aeris', this party can go through Disk 1 no problem. It's a good party to use, but you can change it if you wish.
That done, head down and up the stairs to the ledge and grab the Potion. Go back down and up the ladder. From here it's a fairly linear path right and out of the area, drop down the hole to escape. Be sure to pick up the Yellow Steal Materia before you go, Steal is an excellent commander. Sure it wastes a turn until you get Mug, but every item you Steal is one you don't have to buy, and that in turn is good for you. Down the hole, climb up through the hole in the railing and go up the ladder to find the train graveyard. Save and know you've put the Don Corneo incident behind you. Ergo, we need never speak of it again.
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