WAR! Space Monkies, we got a war on! Are you all feeling as excited as I, BlueHighwind, am? Georgia v. Russia! Fuck the pussy-ass Olympics, I got an international conflict on CNN! That's some real sporting events for ya'! Naturally I've been a long-time Russia fan. I was rooting for them back during the Chechnya games, and even when they collapsed at the top of the ninth inning of the Afghanistan Games. Go team Soviets! WHOOOOOOOOO!!!

Nibelheim Edit

First, I need to give an apology over my slow progress on this Walkthrough. It's been moving at the pace of the New York City Freedom Tower, and I'm sorry.

Strangly, despite Cloud's talk of Sephiroth going crazy and burning Nibelheim to the ground, his hometown looks pretty good to me. Not even a burn scar. But not all is as it seems here in Nibelheim. For one, nobody recognizes Tifa or Cloud, and all these people are strangers to this town. Also, it's filled with weirdos dressed all in black. None of whom are Sephiroth, so forget it. Instead these Sephiroth Clones (not actual Clones, only genetic freaks) all have numbers, and items to give you. They croak out insane things like "Re...uni...on" and "the Great Se...phi...roth". It seems they are also after Sephiroth too, making him the most popular man on the Planet. He's so well-liked that he has his own cult! DAMN!

Go into the Inn (you remember where it is, right?) and go to the kitchen behind the lobby. No. 6 here will give you a Luck Source. Now go to the building to the right and talk to No. 12 in the fireplace or forge or whatever. He'll give an Elixir. Now go to Tifa's House. Ignore the Sephiroth Clone doorman since he has nothing to give, and instead talk to the the guy in the kitchen for a Turbo Ether. Go upstairs and talk to No. 4 in Tifa's parnets' room (I note they have separate beds like some 50's sitcom couple), he'll give a Platinum Fist, a weak weapon for Tifa. In Tifa's room is a letter addressed to Professor Hojo from a Shinra officer here. This entire town was actually completely rebuilt perfectly by Shinra to hide Sephiroth's crimes. They did such a perfect job they even have the same piano in Tifa's room. All the people here are actors with the nigh-impossible thespian challenge of playing mindless NPCs repeating the same lines over and over again. Go to the house below Tifa's home and go upstairs and talk to two shriveled-up Sephiroth Clones on the verge of death who give us a Luck Source.

Go up to the top of town where the Sephiroth Clones are speaking of the man of the hour being inside the Mansion. I'll ruin the suspense by telling you that you can't fight him in there, but there is treasure, a new playable character, and a tough optional Boss. That's enough reason for me to go inside. Go through the door underneath the balcony then head to the top right room for a Twin Viper. Return to the main foyer, then go to the bottom right room for a Silver M-Phone (another shit Cait Sith weapon). There's nothing left downstairs, so let's go to the second floor. Head to the left and go inside the greenhouse for an Enemy Launcher. Go up to the room with a safe.

The safe here has a very specific combination of four numbers. However to find it, you have to go through a long series of puzzles and riddles to find it. Since you've already put yourself in the mire of cheating by using my Walkthrough, why not skip all that for the free solution? You have twenty seconds to move the numbers up and down, stopping at each number you need. If you're off by only a single number, you lose. Run out of time, you lose. Good thing you have unlimited tries. Go up to 36, then down to 10, then up all the way to 59, stop for a second, then go up to 97. If you did it right, the safe will open and a Boss will attack:

Optional Boss Battle: Lost Number
Lost number A-typeFFVII
HP: 7000
Steal: Nothing
Difficulty: Hard


This isn't just a battle where you can simply run in and swing your sword around without thinking. If you don't know what you're doing, this guy will rip off your balls, and use them as earrings. Not only does it have crushing attacks that can easily force you on the defense (use "Big Guard" to help), it changes forms after you knock off 3500 HP. If you've been using physical attacks, it turns purple and makes regular attacking almost useless. That also means that Limit Breaks are worthless. Instead, you want to spend the first part of the battle using nothing but all your Summons and Magic. "Bio 2" is great because that spell can Poison Lost Number. After 3500 HP, Lost Number will turn red, and be weak to regular attacking though almost immune to Magic.

This fight is easily the hardest Boss you've faced yet (outside of Midgar Zolom, naturally), and you'll lose MP like you've sprung a leak in your Magic sack. Don't be afraid to use Ethers. If this fight is too difficult for you now, quit playing you pathetic fucking loser, (AHEM) you can come back and beat this guy later once you've gained more levels.

For winning, you get a ton of items. For one, you get Cosmo Memory in the battle itself, which is Red XIII's ultimate Limit Break. He needs to have gained the other six Limit Breaks normally first, however. Then you get a Key Item, which is literally a Key. Out of the safe rolls a Odin Materia. Odin is a horseman of the Apocalypse Summon that tries to instantly kill all enemies on the screen with his sword. Or if they're immune to Instant Kill attacks, he throws his spear a ridiculous height and drops it down on the foe for normal damage. So that means that unlike all those lesser games, Odin actually has some measure of reliability in FFVII.

With that all done, go to the right side of the upstairs. In the top room is a Magic Source. Now we have to go downstairs to the basement to use that Key we just found. Head forward as if you are going to library and enter the room that we couldn't visit during the flashback. Inside is a coffin. The vampire dude inside will ask you questions. He's a broody man, talking about "time to atone" and "nightmares". There will be two choice answers. First "Talk about Sephiroth" to get his interest. Cloud will tell the tale again, but the vampire just goes back to sleep, feeling that he has more sins to atone for. Open the coffin again and ask "Who are you?". The vampire dude tells us that he was a Turk, and then his name, which we get to decide because he's a playable character.

Playable Character: Vincent
Weapon: Guns

Vincent Valentine used to be a cool character. "Used to" is the key phrase of that sentence. This dark tortured character was as cool as cool could be back in 1997. Now he's a cliched whiner, the premiere example of badass decay. I don't know what happened. Did I get older and more jaded? No wait, I know exactly what happened. Vinny got his own terrible spin-off called Dirge of Cerberus -Final Fantasy VII-, the single worst Final Fantasy game of all time. It was a clunky, broken shooter with more cutscenes then gameplay and an infuriatingly stupid storyline. He'll have to do a lot of badass things in the next FFVII sequel to get back on my good list. At the very least, he has the most badass name I've ever heard!

Thirty years ago, Vincent used to the Turk assigned to the Jenova Project, but got into a fight with Hojo about the horribleness of the experiments. So Hojo shot him, and then turned Vinny into an immortal goth character that can transform into monsters every once in a while. All of this was for science of course. Dirge of Cerberus gets into plenty of annoying detail about this. One flashback lasts a total of a half-fucking-hour of cutscenes. Man, I hate that game.

But that's all later on in the terrible sequels, for now Vincent is a unique character. He's a weak physical attacker, but an excellent Mage. With long-range firearms, Vinny fights in the back row for equal damage (like Barret and Yuffie). Its the Limit Breaks that make him unique. Instead of a single attack or something, Vinny transforms into one of four monsters depending upon his Limit Break level. These monsters have all-around enhanced stats, but are Berserked so you can't control them. They are really cool and powerful, but I fucking hate Berserkers. No control, no fun in my opinion. I used to think this Limit Break was cool, but Dirge of Cerberus made me hate this too.

Vincent tells us that Jenova is not really Sephiroth's mom, or that's a theory or something. Instead, Sephiroth's mom is really Lucrecia who Vinny was really hot and heavy for. Since Vincent couldn't stop Sephiroth's birth, he decided to make everything better by sleeping in a coffin for thirty years. Great plan, man. That coffin must reak man! Epic B.O.! Vincent will now go back to sleep. When you try to leave the basement, he'll join the party perminantly.

Head over to the library to meet none-other than, Sephiroth! We finally found him! However, Sephiroth is still speaking in riddles, teasing us about the Reunion. Too bad for him, Cloud doesn't even know what the word "Reunion" means. He then drops a hint by saying that Jenova will be there, only that she's not an Ancient now. She's the Calamity from the Skies. I'm lost. Then Sephiroth throws a Materia at us, and flies away. Yep, this makes perfect sense. To Mt. Nibel it seems. That Materia is the Destruct Materia, it teaches "DeBarrier" which removes "Barrier", "MBarrier", and "Reflect". The stronger form is "DeSpell" (later to become "Dispel" in newer games) which removes all positive statuses. Gee, thanks Sephiroth!

There's nothing left to do in this Mansion, so it's back to Nibelheim. Rest up, and then prepare for some mountain climbing, Space Monkies.

Mt. Nibel Edit


Mt. Nibel is a bit North of Nibelheim, you have to leave through the back of the town, then head North on the World Map to reach the mountain. This place is crawling with enemies, but none of them have anything rare to Steal or Enemy Skills. Also, this Slums music is completely out of place here. It should have a peppy climbing theme like the mountains of FFV. Go up the winding linear path until you reach a fork. Head North up and then go around the cliffs to find a Rune Blade, a great weapon for Cloud. Return to the main path, and go left until you reach the bridge. There's a barely visible path going up from the rock that leads up into the mountain. You have to climb up a weird path, back and forth until you reach the Chest at the top. It's a Plus Barrette. Go back to the bridge and cross it. Defying expectations, it doesn't break this time. Enter the caves to continue on your journey.

As for me, I've decided to randomly end the page here.

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