Walkthrough:Final Fantasy VII/BlueHighwind/Part 12
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SPACE MONKIES, ALL HAIL ME, BLUEHIGHWIND THE GREAT AND ALL POWERFUL WRITER OF THIS WALKTHROUGH!!! BOW TO MY GREATNESS!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
[edit] Gold Saucer
Get on the train to see this FMV:
Ah, the idyllic sounds of happiness and childhood bliss. This place sounds like a gaggle of giggles doesn't it? Man, are is that tune out of place in this dump. Gold Saucer is exactly like Chucky Cheese's: overpriced, long neglected, out-of-date, and a little smelly. Just to get in you have to pay 3,000 Gil. They offer a lifetime pass for 30,000 Gil, but I do not believe that you have that kind of money at this point. Even if you did, it's not worth it. Later on, when you'll need to come here regularly for all the Sidequests, that's when you buy the lifetime pass. For now, we're not staying long.
Gold Saucer requires the use of a special money system called "GP", like tokens or tickets at an arcade. Naturally getting GP requires you to put in Gil, and lots of it. At some points there's a man who sells it for an obscene amount, but most of the time you have to play relentlessly stupid minigames to aquire the fake money. Even then, there's nothing worth spending it on. Just more stupid minigames and nonsense. Even the Save Point costs GP to use. What a rip-off! You could take thirty seconds to take the rail back down to North Corel and Save on the World Map, which is completely free I might add.
For now it's just a get-in, get-out deal. We're here just to advance the plot. All the other stuff can be done later on. Aeris wants to goof-off and have fun, but she'll soon learn there is very little fun to be had at this place. Barret storms off because he's in a bad mood. Now you have to follow him with one of your playable characters of choice. Grab whichever one you like the most: Tifa, Aeris, or Yuffie, and they'll like you more. Picking Red XIII does nothing; he's never going to like you. Accept it.
Now, there are very few things that can be done here for free. Transporting between the areas - called "Squares" - is free, so let's do that. First go to the Ghost Square. There an Inn here that costs 5 GP (don't bother with it), but search around a bit. Check the posters to find another Turtle's Paradise Flyer. Remember those things? Yeah, we still need to find more. Then head to the Wonder Square to get the plot rolling. A hideous animatronic creature walks forward and asks to read your fortune. Then you can name it...
No way! NO! This thing cannot be a playable character! I refuse to believe it! But what's this Character Box doing here? Oh, God... It's TRUE!!! NO!!
| Playable Character: Cait Sith |
Cait Sith (though you should name him something immature and insulting, such as: Cait Shit, or the old classic Pussyfart) is the worst character of the entire game. This is the tragedy of Gold Saucer. Hated by all, he's spread discomfort and unhappiness in a very successful attempt to be the most annoying character of all video games. However, Cait Sith may try, but he's easily beaten by Tingle from The Legend of Zelda (400 Rupees to decipher a map, you bastard!). Cait Sith isn't even the worst character of Final Fantasy. That title is in the able hands of Vaan, a character so awful that he simply had to get his own awful game, just for him. But for now, Cait Sith will do as the most annoying freak in the room. For one, he's weird looking. I can't take this creature seriously as a fighter. It's a robot cat, riding a pink-creature. I've been told that pink creature is supposed to be a Moogle, making me wonder if all Moogle retards are punished so terribly as to be paired with things like Cait Sith. For another, Cait Sith is not a Sith Lord, no matter what his name might tell you. "Cait Sith" is actually unpronounceable by the human speech cords. Battle wise, Cait Sith fails at everything. He doesn't look like a fighter, and he doesn't act like a fighter. From the two or three times I used Cait Sith in battle I learned that he can't do anything right. His physical attacks are weaker than Aeris's, his Magic falls apart, he's slow, his Defense is weak, his weapons are uninspired and forgettable. And he's just too ugly and ridiculous for you to even use in battle. Imagine if somebody walks in on you playing this game with Cait Sith in the party. You'd die of shame. Which is what should happen to Cait Sith in the first place. |
Well, now that this worthless character is being manhandled into our party, at least his fortune can be of use, right? Wrong. To the question: "what is Sephiroth?", Cait Sith only has "your lucky color is blue". Stop stating the obvious, going with Blue H. is the best idea anyone could have. Finally Cait Sith gives a stock fortune: "What you pursue will be yours. But you will lose something dear." Don't be fooled into thinking that this is some kind of foreshadowing. That fortune is so vague that it could apply to any situation. The Oracle of Delphi played this game for thousands of years. Nostradamus still fools millions of unsatisfied housewives with this trick.
Afterwards Cait Sith will join the party and there is nothing you can do about it. Write a letter to Square to complain, that's the best advise I can give. Boy do I miss the good ol' days of Final Fantasy Tactics where you can just kill off idiot worthless characters. Suck up your rage and head to the Battle Square. When you arrive, ominous music will again play. Oh no, Sephiroth's killed again. What's this, the third massacre so far? No wait, these men were killed with a gun. Sephiroth is too cool for such child's toys as firearms. And it seems that a Gun-Arm did it. Could Barret have... No way... Well, maybe... He did seem down earlier... Nah, he's angry, but not homicidal. In walks a bronzed man in a speedo with the bizarre proportions of a Disney male character. This is Dio, the head of Gold Saucer. He instantly blames us for the deaths and easily captured us with guard robots.
Go directly to Jail. Do not pass GO, do not collect $200. And it would probably be a good idea to not drop the soap.
[edit] Corel Prison
Wow. We can fight evil world-controlling organizations, monsters from the depths of the ocean, aliens, Midgar Zolom, but when it comes to the dudes who run Gold Saucer, we just fold like origami. Aliens are one thing, but carnies, they will fuck you up, man! We're now stuck in Hellhole in the middle of the desert from which escape is impossible. What will the sex straved convicts do to Tifa? Eww!! Nice work, Cait Sith. I'm just going to blame that over-sized plush toy for everything now. Go down to run into Barret, who is being a little difficult. As Barret wanders away, Cait Sith will remark about how "scary" Barret looks. Oh, isn't that perfect? The black man is the scary one! This is a bad side, Cait Sith, as if you had any good ones.
The Prison is actually filled with enemies, which is somewhat annoying. The town areas all have mediocre creatures. One thing to watch is that Death Claw. It's an arachnid creature with a skull-face. It knows Laser, an Enemy Skill with that always takes away a certain percentage of enemy HP, though you'd do better to use regular attacks. Percentage moves don't work on a ton of enemies like most status effects, and forget about using it against Bosses. You could easier skip this one.
As you're heading South, use the Save Point. Continue down, and ignore the guy who might follow you. Enter the house in the Southeast. Barret pops in, angry that we're following him. Cait Sith tries to reason with him, but instead invokes the "KILL IT" instinct with his ugliness, and makes Barret shoot at him. In marches the rest of our party. How did they get down here? Did they teleport? Aeris did travel instantaneously to meet us back in Sector 5, so maybe that explains it.
It's Story Time again! Barret has yet to relinquish his turn, so continues to tell his backstory. Once upon a time... Corel was being destroyed by Shinra. Barret and his soul brotha Dyne were walking around and then saw that Shinra had burned the place up. As they made their way to the charged, barely recognizable, blacken corpses of their loved-ones, Scarlet appeared and shoot at them. Barret lost his right arm, while Dyne lost his left. Dyne also fell into a canyon, where he certainly survived to plot his revenge. Funny story, Dyne also got the same Gun-Arm operation, and now is completely insane! We have to go smoke his ass. Cloud and Barret have to go, but bring along your favorite female so that she'll like you more. Come on, Tifa.
Run all the way North to where you started, and keep going. You'll reach a screen divided up a fence. Go through it to head East. Welcome to the junkyard. Head North through a path until you reach a place where the music changes. Barret now has to fight Dyne one-on-one. Why? Because it's something he has to do alone or some BS. Other than making things a lot harder, this seems to accomplish nothing. Dyne is now a nutcase. A nutjob. A nutter. A nutbar. Or just a plain nut. He has gotten the original idea to destroy the entire world and everything in it. Basically he's simply following the cliched reasoning of all past, pre-Sephiroth Final Fantasy villains. But Dyne doesn't have an ultimate super form, so he's pretty screwed. Boss Battle time:
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Strategy: Since Barret is fighting solo, you'll need to properly prepare for this battle. Only put two Materias on him, the Restore and Poison. Dyne is not immune to the Poison status, so "Bio" will help you keep up the damage. Let him hit Barret two or three times, then heal. Towards Dyne's lower HP, he'll be able to throw out "Molotov Cocktails" with high speed. Don't be over eager to attack and play defensively, and you'll win eventually. | ||||||||||||||||||
Naturally, you can't kill Dyne - a human Boss - in battle. But he does nicely jump off the cliff for you.
Next page: We escape!
