Hamfruitcake back again and time for another pop at Final Fantasy XIII. Why does the HP get restored after every battle? I've completely forgotten that this does not apply to the old games and now my characters are all in the yellow because I just train them to within an inch of their lives. It saves items but if they were real people they'd revolt.

Crossed Double Crossed Edit

Get off the airship and battle down to the teleporter and head to Kuja's room. He'll ask Zidane to enter alone for some unknown reason. Unfortunately your other team have been caught AGAIN, god we can't leave them alone for five minutes can we. Then Kuja asks for the Gulug Stone. The rest of the team are waiting outside, Quina always looks adorable. Then your actual real team turns up. Aha, knew it was a trick! They all run through to help Zidane but poor Eiko and her tiny legs don't quite make it. Zorn and Thorn appear to make amove on her.


Then they confront Kuja until Eiko starts screaming. They also make fun of Regent Cid in the mean time. Poor Cid... Kuja proceeds to take the Gulug Stone anyway and plans on kidnapping Eiko before walking off... What the hell, we don't even get to fight him? After him.

Keep the same team as before but just change the useless Vivi in for the far superior Vivi. Rake around Kuja's belongings before you leave and on the bottom left of the screen around the books you'll find the Namingway Card. Now! To the aircraft hanger! Jump on the teleporter to the aircraft hanger and run up the stairs just find Kuja has gone and taken the ship with him... Shouldn't have taken so much time stealing his cards but I doubt it would have made a difference. Oh well... Run up to the back of the screen to escape, pull the lever on the right and go down the rope ladder. Head around the cliff exiting to the left of the screen to escape. We see Kuja is heading for the Lost Continent. After him, the Blue Narciss keeps up admirably and saves us the hassle of sailing there ourselves. We get a good introduction to the Continent but we've been here loads game! Look Choco is waiting for us on the beach! Hey he's going to Esto Gaza. We know, we've been there already game!

Esto Gaza Revisited Edit

No introduction necessary really... Garudas here are vulnerable to Water so exploit this weakness if you face a couple on the way in. Head into the temple and get annoyed at the bishop for a bit. He mentions Shimmering Island, sounds pretty, we should visit but he doesn't think Kuja and his crew were in the wrong. Even though he had a bunch of Black Mages and kidnapped child with him. Apparently they are heading for Mount Gulug so guess where we're going. One good thing about this place, after all the commotion the item shop has been restocked and there is a shiny new rod for Vivi you must buy. The Octagon Rod provides the '-aga' elemental spells. What's not to love? There are also plenty of great weapons and equipment for your team so stock up before heading to the moogle straight past that annoying bishop. When equipping your team be careful not to equip Steiner with his shiny new Flame Sabre as the beasties in the next area are affectionate to the Fire element and we don't want to give them an advantage.

Have a chat with Mogrika, the most beautiful moogle in all the world. She has received some fan mail from Artemicion who has ran out of something she gave him. She told him not to use it... Is it just me or does this sound all very smutty? She wants to send a letter to Moolan so take that for her and save up. Straight ahead is a nice view of Shimmering Island, it's a chunk of ice in the sea... I'm disappointed... Oh well. Right of Mogrika is the entrance to Mount Gulug. Let's get in there.

Anyone There? Nope, Only Us Moles. Edit

All the beasties here are vulnerable to Water and Ice so exploit these weakness with Blizzaga and Water and perhaps even Shiva if you've brought Dagger alone for the ride. Equip wind resistant armour for Steiner for some Dragon based battles.

Go right ignoring anything you come across until you find a chest with a Golden Hairpin in, a very handy accessory which comes with the ability Auto-Regen, nice! That's it for now so head all the way back to the entrance ignoring the rope we haven't gone down yet. Head left past the entrance and find 9693 gil in the bottom right corner. Head up the ladder, grab the Ether, and through the door on the left, down the ladder (i need a new word for ladder...) to find a Red Hat. All the way back to that rope we ignored on the right. Slide down it and head right to find Moolan.
Give him the letter and join me in thinking how smutty this all sounds! He has a letter for Mogtaka save up with the moogle. Grab the Wing Edge in the bottom corner and go right. There'll be some stairs so go up and to the right there is a message from a mole. Head around the building and exit the screen to the left and keep walking along and until you come across some Gaia Gear.

Head back and down the stairs you'll be attacked by a Red Dragon. Same tactics, Blizzaga, Shiva, meaty attacks from the men and White Wind with Quina to ensure everyone's safety. Head far left past the well with the rope and go to the left. Keep heading left into the house which has a chest containing Demon's Mail. There is another message from a mole on the dresser telling you to pull the lever 3 times what ever that could mean. Leave the house then go through the tunnel right next to it, hey another moogle! Go upstairs and give Mogtaka the letter, more smut from the moogles. He hasn't got anything to deliver so just stock up in the Mogshop and save up.

Head up the stairs and through the building. You'll see a chest straight ahead so go for it to be attacked by another Red Dragon. Annihilate it then open up the chest which has an Elixir for you. Now all the way back to the well. Off you trot. When you get there, from you messages from the moles, you'll have worked out by now you have to pull the lever down 3 times so release the rope. Head on down...

A Red Dragon
will attack you in the well. These guys once again shouldn't cause you any problems as long as you handle it with some level of common sense. Oh handy, there's a hole thanks to the dragon, now we can see Eiko! What an extraction? But wasn't the process supposed to be when she's 16? What's going to happen? Dagger comes across very emotional at this point but Zidane tries to calm her. Looks like the extraction didn't work so well... Kuja starts getting irritated by the twins, about time, then he starts prattling on about stuff that clearly makes no sense, Garland? Terra? His Soul? Now he just wants them to go ahead with it but Mog gets in the way and finally proves he's no cowardly moogle.

Eiko, thank you for everything

Mog! Now we have a battle between Eiko and Zorn and Thorn, we get to summon Eiko's final Eidolon. Madeen. Let's kick arse with some Terra Homing! That showed those stupid jester twins what for!

Eiko will then receive Mog's Ribbon which will give her access to summon her. Kuja seems impressed that Mog gained the ability to trance. Doesn't he know how it works? Then he mentions something about the twins not being twins... what the hell? Vivi chases after him but the twins prevent us. Let's show them what for!

Boss Battle : Meltigemini
HP: 20 000
Steal: Demons Vest, Golden Hairpin, Vaccine.
Attacks Venom Powder, Bio, Viral Smoke

Ok so anyone who gets infected should be cured with a Vaccine and heal up with Quina's White Wind. Steal the items quickly, the Demons Vest might be a bit difficult to get a hold of but don't worry about it too much.

Just get in there with physical brute strength and summons. Kick those jester twins arses. You'll get a Tantarian Card for winning.

Vivi appears with his Black Mage friends and reveals they all knew Kuja was lying and that they all had limited lifespans. They are all sitting down from the shock of it and Vivi joins them in a poignant moment. Then we hear a woman's voice and who might it be but Hilda. Dagger recognises her and Hilda gets all nostalgic and Cid hops on in hoping for forgiveness. And hey what do you know she recognizes the moustache! Good going, she calls him froggy-woggy, she's a genius in my eyes. At this point Eiko puts her two cents in and the frog and lady both look at her intrigued. Then we get a nice scene between the estranged lovers.

Just Like in the Movies Edit

Apparently Kuja didn't touch her so we can all be grateful for that but he did ramble away incessantly at her revealing his plan. Ah a wronged wife, she turned him into an Oglop because she's good at punishing her man. Good times! If only we could all do that... He apologizes and claims he's sick of being various gooey creatures. He promises never to cheat on her again. She gives him a little kiss and he's back to normal. Just like the movies! Ah I guess some habits die hard eh Cid? Sounds stupid when he says involuntarily instead of just doing it as part of being an animal... Funny though! Loving the moustache! Lovely moment, hooray!

Zidane wakes up in the guest room. Mogki has a letter for Kumool so take that and save up. Get the lift to the upper level and head to the Conference Room under the stairs. Lots of talking coming up, listen if you want, I'm too bored to write it all down but you'll get the gist of it. Steiner goes off to find Dagger during this period. We get a clip of Steiner enlisting the help of Tantalus to find the Princess.

Turns out Kuja revealed all this to Hilda through boredom or something like in some James Bond style assuming it wouldn't affect his plan but in turn ruing them completely... Just like in the movies! Looks like we're going to Ipsen's Castle. Steiner then barges in claiming he can't find the Princess anywhere. Zidane has a good idea where she'll be so off we go.

Oh Alexandria! Makes sense. Cinna is so demanding... Sheesh! Ruby causes a bit of a distraction but we're busy woman! Blank and Marcus run off. Baku thinks he's seen a chick and Zidane is suddenly interested. Come off it! We know you love Dagger, stop skirt chasing godamnit! Here comes a bit of a here there everywhere scene. Comedy moment with Zidane running around like a fool and Baku lazily observing. Beatrix doesn't mention not calling Steiner after their night of passion and gives Zidane Garnet and recommends the resting place. Guess where we find her?

Beatrix, you're a genius. Wow, Dagger is talking! She wants to stay with the team, can't say I'm not relieved, she does bring a certain something to our fashion status. Zidane tosses the Garnet to her and then gives her some spiel about shining like it. Smooth... She buys it though... I think... She asks Zidane for his dagger again.

Zidane. Remember me the way I was... for me.

Damn that girl is a nifty hairdresser. She looks much happier with that crop, almost like she has less weight on her shoulders. She's much more sassy with her new style from now on too. Good times!

Now we have a working airship you know what's going to happen now folks.

That's right, sidequests! See you on the next page!


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