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Walkthrough:Final Fantasy IX/Hamfruitcake 09/Part 2

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< Walkthrough:Final Fantasy IX | Hamfruitcake 09

We meet again for part two of the tale. Expect high drama, beautiful princesses, dramatic battles and guyliner. Thats right. Guyliner. Enjoy.

Yes, that’s the QueenEdit

Now for a gorgeous FMV. Introducing the most ridiculous looking Queen in all of gaming for ever and ever amen. Queen Brahne herself. Yes. She’s meant to look like that. Yes she’s that beautiful girl’s mummy. And damn does she know how to dance! Yes, that soldier is wearing eye liner and yes, Puck is quite horrifying to look at in full FMV glory. Ignore all these things and just giggle at Vivi’s wonderous little form clapping like a two year old. It still makes me grin.

BrahneCanary

Now for the play! It’s like Romeo and Juliet but more interesting events, plus proper fight scenes. Make a show and dance in the battles with the SFX moves and show you pzazz by murdering those hooded fools flanking King Baku *ahem* Leo... damn those guys are ugly. Don’t expect to steal anything, this is a play, only cool fighting and such should be taking place. And after a quick battle, the music chimes, the dramatic speeches and it’s time for a ridiculously fun mini game where you get to do a dramatic sword fighting scene. The better you do the more money you get. The point really is to impress Queen Brahne, who unless you get 100 of the nobles cheering will rarely be amused. But it’s worth it if you do impress her since later on you can get a Silk Shirt. Just press the buttons Blank instructs, trying to do them quickly and fluidly. So if he yells O press O and so on.

You can get 10’000 gil if you impress 100 nobles and later a Moonstoone off the queen. You can always try again if you fail miserably. It can take a few perfect games to get 100 percent but dont task yourself if you're finding it too difficult. Please note, Brahne will only ever be slightly impressed, never more.

After this somewhat fruitful mini game you beat up some guards and wander around in uniform, not before complaining bitterly about how disgusting they are. Just head on up the big red stairs to find a girl run out the doors in an old fashioned white mage cloak. Don’t let her past immediately, allow Zidane to flirt, outrageously, she eventually gets sick barges past and running away from the lech. Zidane will then declare to Blank that she was Princess Garnet.

Next up we have the jester twins. Who make look like they escaped a very strange Russian circus but are actually just running around the rather extravagant castle. Needless to say, they look completely out of place, much like their queen. We are also introduced to Beatrix, who oozes amazingness from every strand of her luxurious hair. You get to name the Captain of the Knights of Pluto, of course we’ll be sticking with Steiner, or if you want you can mix things up a bit naming him something like Rusty. Captain Adelbert Rusty...

Adelbert Steiner
Adelbert Steiner character

Alas, Steiner here is a wonderful creature of habit and jumping around and screaming whilst his rusty armour clacks together when he runs. Some find him annoying, I think he's marvellous, come on there are only very few characters in the history of Final Fantasy who have their own sound effect! He's loyal and honourable is and also has tremendous amount of trust in the royal family; pretty much everything a knight should be. He may scream and yell and say some silly things but he's entertaining and bumbling, like that Uncle you meet once a year and the rest of the family hate him but you like annoying him for kicks. It's that sort of love.

Steiner is a Knight and therefore will do well in the front row with a good amount of HP and a brutal attack. He has two abilities which are Sword Arts which enables him to use moves such as Shock and Stock Break much later; it's pretty useless now for the first chunk of the game but his attacks should suffice currently. He also has Sword Magic which can be used with Vivi to attack with spells. It's handy for things with elemental weaknesses but as Steiner has low MP it's not a luxury that can last forever. He uses swords and armour for equipment, this makes him unique in your team so keep track of that. And finally, Steiner's trance is basically his physical attacks become a lot stronger and his helmet clamps shut. Steiner is along with Zidane are invaluable to your team with their strong physical attacks so he is highly recommended when you get a choice who is in your party.


Off to find the princess then. Steiner will call for the Knights of Pluto to assemble but unfortunately there is only two of them and they are in their underpants, it’s a sad day for chivalry. In the guardhouse there will be Mosh the moogle who will have a letter rambling about how awesome you are at skipping. Glow in the glory. Then if you go back upstairs and take the exit to the left you can talk to Brahne and she will give you something depending on her mood from the previous fight scene, if you did dismally you’ll receive an Elixir or an Ether, if you did fairly well you’ll get a Silk shirt and if you got 100% you’ll get a very nice shiny Moonstone. Your first add-on! Go you!

Steiner the Slueths

Now, to find your men! Come down the stairs from where Brahne was sitting and exit this screen from the top. You can find IX (named so because his actual name is too long and annoying to type out and I think it’s appropriate to add a IX somewhere) in the room just to the right from where you’re standing. If you go to the far left you will eventually find the kitchen, and the head chef who has an alarmingly large tongue and a big voice. Come outside again and you’ll find another of the soldiers running around outside, the trigger seems to be when you’re so far away you cant catch him but do try, the bastard may eventually realise you want to chat to him. Now come down the stairs and to the left to find Laudo who seems to want to leave the Knights of Pluto; either way Steiner won’t let him so just say no and he’ll run off crying. Exit that library and come to the bottom of the screen to leave the castle for now and enter the courtyard. You realise the play is a hit due to a raucous scream. Come to the bottom of the screen to find little Haagen looking at the water, feeling all peaceful. Upon hearing the princess is missing he immediately races off like a man on fire. Now go the left to find one of your men, Weimar, flirting with one of Beatrix’s girls. I thought he was going out with Barbara? Oh well. Go up the stairs for a while to find Breiriarcht (or something) who seems to be doing his exercises. Chat to him again and if you’ve found all the soldiers you will get an Elixir as a pat on the back. Now just go to the top of the tower to witness a rather exciting scene with acrobatics and stuff. Even a rather dramatic crash landing from Steiner which is always amusing, I feel the need to note his shoes but maybe that’s just me thinking they’re rather fetching for a man of his stature.

Amano Ruby

Ruby - The Southern Belle

KidnappersEdit

So Garnet falls on Zidane then makes a mess of a rather nice tune. Follow her to the right. To meet the rather mouthy Texan Ruby, who obviously has a thing for Zidane. Zidane finally catches up with the Princess and they have a nice chat resulting in Garnet requesting to be kidnapped, which works fine for Zidane. Both Steiner and Cinna ruin a rather romantic moment between the pair although Cinna offers an escape route whereas Steiner barges around yelling “Princess!” a lot. What is it with all these lothario characters and their flirting? Turn the wheel on the engine to the right, Cinna will yell and tell you to fix it. Do so, then turn it to the left and fix it again. Now go down the stairs to the top right and collect the Phoenix Pinion and the Phoenix Down then proceed up the stairs to the door Cinna is standing beside. Steiner will apprehend you at this point and Blank will turn his back on the bumbling Captain and a battle will ensue. Easy peasy steal his Leather Hat and Silk Shirt off him and just hack away at him until he tries one of his deadly Sword Art moves on Blank. This unfortunately just causes a load of oglops to start jumping about, no one, bar Zidane and Garnet, can stand oglops! They are just little orange blobs but they instil fear in the masses! I think they are kind of cute... The play continues at Zidane and Garnet make a run for it.

Bomb-FFIX

From here we get to see Steiner’s amazing acting abilities, seriously this guy has the passion! Brahne actually seems impressed and her belly wobbles with great emotional wails, Puck and Vivi seem to enjoy it too but end up getting chased by some guards. Poor Vivi falls over but shows the guards what for when he casts a damn nifty fire spell accidentally setting the Princess’s hair on fire. The play descends into an unfortunate reality but at least in this fight we get Vivi and he shows us his moves. After hacking away at Steiner who merely claims he has a flesh wound the Tantalus decide it’s probably best to turn tail and flee.

Unfortunately Brahne is none too pleased about this and so sets the cannons on you. A bomb will also appear which you have to fight fruitlessly and get to witness it grow as you pummel Steiner for the umpteenth time. He doesn’t seem to realise there’s a pretty vicious monster behind him and insists everyone is simply trying to trick him. Which seems a little unfair but he learns eventually... Unfortunately, like with most things when it comes to Steiner, he’s a bit late and the bomb explodes. The Queen is ridiculously happy about this until she realises the air ship is still floating away just barely. She gets so upset she breaks her fan in half, oh the drama. Now prepare yourself for a crash landing!

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