Hey, it's Hamfruitcake here. Told you I'd be a while... Final Fantasy XIII, wow! It's like the FFVIII of the new generation, all flash and beauty and not an ounce of substance. Finishing it took a while because of that sodding Final Boss and his insistence on staggering him to damage him and then he replenished bar just when you're about to kill him. Stupid game...

Now back to an old school classic on my friend's HD television, it's so blatantly obvious the graphics were terrible right now, Vivi still rocks... And I'm done.

Black Mage Village Edit

Sail on over to Black Mage Village and enter through the forest. Yes you have to run on through the forest, there's no way of avoiding this until you can convince Choco to fly. We will be doing that at some point. Promise.

So you arrive and Vivi notices no one is about. So let's go find out where everyone gone. No one is in the Weapon Shop, head through the inn,
still no one about. If you didn't watch the ATE from before and ask for the usual then you can now climb up the ladder and get the Black Belt. Synthesis shop, still empty. Pretty much head straight to the graveyard and you will find Vivi and Mr 288. Apparently everyone has gone off with Kuja who made a blatant lie about being able to extend their lifespans. The only other two Black Mages who are left were the ones who hung around to take care of their Chocobo Egg. Mr 288 won't tell you where everyone's gone and Vivi dashes off to the Choco Shack, follow him.

Now you get to see the Baby Chocobo hatch. Now everybody say aaaawwww! Seriously, now say awww! Just looking at that little cute yellow thing puts a huge smile on my face. The Black Mages become overwhelmed with joy and have a bit of a cry which is strangely endearing. Vivi goes outside and finds Mr 288 who wanted to watch over the Chocobo chick too. Vivi reasons that if they can feel emotions like joy and sadness they mustn't be puppets. He also asks if he's going to stop soon which is pretty sad. Then Black Mage 288 gives up the goods and tells you that Kuja's hideout is on the eastern side of the continent buried under quicksand.

We then get a little snippet of Dagger once again feeling sorry for herself and Eiko trying her best to perk her up a bit. There's nothing else to do here so head back to the ship.

You might not like this bit Edit

Now before you head to Kuja's palace this is an important time to get everyone's levels at a decent point. I know this should have gone on the extras page but that was all pretty annoying stuff so I saved this for now. Time to get some level grinding in. Now I know it's not what you want to hear but your party is at this point very mix and match with it's levels. I told you the best team to use which is everyone but Amarant and Freya pretty much. So ensure everyone's levels are at least around 30 at this point to be well prepared for the next few hours of gameplay.

My usual haunt at this point for training
would be on the Lost Continent, the icy one at the top of the map. You'll have visited here before if you were on the page before visiting Esto Gaza or running around on Choco. Head towards the forest wedged between the mountains for the best training area. Here you will come across groups of Vepals which will provide considerable amounts of EXP and cards if you fight them enough. There will also be the occasional battle with some Blazer Beetles and Trolls which your party should annihilate with ease and Feather Circles which don't cause much trouble either. You will need to turn on Body Temp when in this area as the Vepals have a tendency to cast Freeze on party members, also equipping anything that is defensive against ice will serve you well as Vepals like to cast Blizzaga. With that sorted the only thing that should concern you when facing the Vepals should be their quite powerful Body Ram but with a white mage or Quina helping you out you should be getting regularly healed, so no problems there. It probably goes without asking but if any of your characters know Level Up now is the time to turn it on in their abilities. Anyone who doesn't have it equip with the add-on Fairy Earrings and learn it quick. The only person these won't work for would be Steiner but he learned Level Up ages ago anyway. It will make time fly when you're beating those floating green balls into the ground.

Ragtimer Mouse may also pop up with his Pop Quiz so if you need help head to this page for any answers you need for his questions. If you skipped the previous page and suddenly find yourself wishing you had something better to do then head back a page and play some Choco Hot and Cold if you wish. But for now it's grinding time! You may also Feather Circle so give him the Moonstone and be on your merry way. He's so cute!!!!

To Kuja's Palace Edit

Head to the Outer Continent on your boat and sail along the entire coast of the northern edge, facing the edge of your map. On the far east side you'll see some sandy areas and come across a beach on the far east edge of the continent. Hop off the boat with any team you fancy and you'll find four quicksand pits. One of them takes you to Kuja's palace. The other three will give you a fun filled fight with an old friend Antlion. He should be no problem for your party now but be warned Sandstorm still puts your party's HP in the yellow so be careful. You will also come across the beastly Land Worm which looks imposing but with some well aimed MP attacks and patience they will fall so don't worry.


Fortunately you have me here and I can tell you that Kuja is hiding in the far north one. Just run from the beach in a neat diagonal line through the other ones and enter the ?. You'll know you made it because there will be no battle music and instead Kuja will gloat. You will wake up as Zidane in a circular cell with the company of Regent Froggy Cid. Everyone else seems to be missing and Kuja will then gloat some more and talk to you threateningly, letting you know that everyone else is in the same situation as you. He'll then reveal you're sitting in a metal cell over a pit of lava. Be petulant and refuse to do what he says and then Kuja will open the hole in the ground some more terrifying Cid a fair bit. Probably worrying that Kuja doesn't take his effeminacy from the french and fancy some frogs legs. You'll go along with him and be freed from your cell. Zidane will leave his team mates in the care of Froggy Cid, because that will instill them all with confidence if they only knew. Head down the path and follow Kuja's instructions to stand between the Black Mages to be teleported.

Longs of prattling cut short, Kuja wants you to go Oeilvert for him to collect the Gulug Stone. It has an anti magic field so he's not fond of the idea as he relies on magic to keep his hair shiny and soft. So you have to pick a team with this all in mind. Quina may seem like a stupid idea but you have to get there through the Seaways Canyon and his White Wind will be much more effective than using Potions all the time. Plus his attack is quite good. Then it makes sense to also go with Steiner and probably Freya. I know I hate Amarant and you think this is why I'm leaving him behind but you need at least one physical attacker in the next bit to even your team out so leave him and spit on him too if you fancy. Now you have a nice balanced team. Kuja will then proceed to summon them in a long-winded fancy way. Quina looks like he's going to get fed when his/her name is called. Alas you silly fat thing... No such luck, but there will be a Qu's Marsh there, hence another reason why he's worth taking again. Kuja will send you on your way and call you idiots. What a knob.

Anyhoo the next area you have to take the long way round, go right and up the stairs and towards the bigass airship. There will be battles here so watch out. Nothing Steiner and Zidance can't decimate. Walk along the bridge to board the airship. We have lift off. Zidane tries to reason with the Black Mages but they decide to ignore him. Zorn and Thorn come in and gloat. Lots of gloating and showing off with these villains. Zidane gives them a taste of some well and truly smooth medicine and the flight continues.

Forgotten Continent Edit

If you brought Quina then as soon as you get off the ship turn around and head towards the Qu's Marsh. Wow I totally can see the red and yellow feet with this awesome HD television. It's very obvious. I will not be giving this back to my housemate any time soon. Remember to leave one girl and boy frogs for reproduction and you should have about 40 frogs at this point. At this point I have 43 frogs but I don't care how many you have. It's not much of a big deal but keep up to prevent you running around endlessly forever.

If you talk to the airship on the way back then you'll be able to buy some items from Zorn and Thorn but apart from that move out head north of the airship. In this area you will find you Catobelpas, Armstrong and Adamantoise. This is all quite easy to handle with just a few well aimed attacks. You will also come across this games incarnation of Cactuars. They like to cast 1000 needles which suprisingly takes off a 1000 health from a single character. This can be learned by Quina through eating them (of course). Be warned they also cast Confuse which can be handled with an attack from Quina if necessary. Also strangely enough the Cactuars hide underground and reveal themselves. Dunno what exactly this does but it's irritating not to see the series staple.

Don't forget to go to the south east coast to try and find the Jabberwock who will ask for an Emerald in exchange for 30AP. I know he's a bit strange looking but try not to attack his weird face.

The sky will go a bit orangey when you get close. It's all about just running around a bit. Go north mainly and then when there's a choice head to the right. Walk around the valley until you find the strange telescope shaped structure and hey presto you're there!

I'll see you in Oelivert!


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